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  • Shalini Devi

Trust

There was so much darkness. That's what I remember most about April, 2015 - May, 2015 - the one month I spent unable to function - lying down in my bedroom, in the dark and in silence because I couldn't handle light or sound. My mom could only come in sometimes when I was not resting and speak basic sentences to me or nothing at all, because I was unable to process what she was saying and it would exhaust and weaken me further to try. My head was throbbing in pain from the constant migraines I was experiencing, on top of the relentless fatigue, with lights flashing at the corners of my vision and dizziness and nausea to match. Days turned into nights, which turned into days again, in an endless cycle, with seemingly no beginning and no end, as I lay in my bed, unable to walk, talk, read, write, go outside, or even stay awake. But I was not asleep either. I was conscious of everything, lying there as if trapped in my body, unable to get up - lifeless, yet still alive. I went to emergency at the hospital twice during this time, taken by ambulance as we were so alarmed by what I was experiencing and I had no strength to make it on my own. Both times, sent home by confounded doctors who saw my perfect test results and couldn't understand what was causing my severe condition.

With no help from the doctors, my state of energy completely out of my control, desperately trying to record the moments of my wake and rest - one day a whole 3 hours of being awake, another day, maybe 4. This went on for a month, with terrifying nightmares every night. Horrified to know it didn't matter what day it was anymore - whether Monday, Friday or Sunday - they were all the same.

Trapped with no answers, no solutions anyone could give me. Only the love of my mother to help me through.

And in that darkness. In that silence. The most profound of words struck me alert in my slumber.

"Do you trust yourself?" The voice said.

- Yes, I whispered.

"Do you trust me?"

- Yes. I answered again.

"Then those are the only two answers you need to know."

These words resounded in my heart, calming my entire being - silencing all the confusion, chaos and fear, as I fell into a restful sleep.

If you were to ask me until this day, how I made it through that time, and all the times to come, it was because of this. And this alone.

Thanks for listening. Talk again soon,


SDS



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