It was Christmas time, snowy and full of magic as it is every year at this time. It was one such magical Christmas when I met my soulmate. And yet, it was unlike any other. I had met him a few weeks before at a bowling event held by the Devi Temple’s youth group. My dear cousin had insisted I come join them even though at the time, I was battling with my unknown illness, with the only known facts being I had gotten the Epstein-Barr virus in April of that year, and had been assured by doctors the extreme fatigue, weakness and other symptoms should last no longer than 6 months. It had now been 7 months and between perplexed doctors and impatient insurance companies and my health failing me for some unknown reason – I was not in the best of places. But when my cousin asked me to join them, I said hey, why not bowl while I’m at it?
It was at the end of this bowling night when everyone was about to go home that I glanced my soulmate and gave him a smile and we began to talk. (Meanwhile, my cousin and my soulmate’s younger brother, had been trying to figure out how to get us to meet one another, the innocent bowling event an undercover plan to set us up the whole time, unbeknownst to us. I still remember glimpsing their high five over my soulmate’s shoulder as they realized we solved that problem for them and their work was now complete.)
I had seen my soulmate once before at a debate in March that year, before I had become ill, so we spoke about him living in New Jersey and the blood test he sold to help prevent heart disease. I conveniently avoided my current circumstances but spoke about the school I went to, where I had worked, and all such trivial matters. Since we were being rushed out of the bowling alley, the conversation lasted for all of 5 minutes when my soulmate gave me an offer I could not resist. Literally, because I had been in sales just like him, I recognized it as the strategic way to ask a question without the possibility of the other party saying no. He said confidently, in his charming way, “I’m leaving for New Jersey tomorrow, but I’d love to get your Facebook info, and we can continue this conversation.” So of course, I agreed, and there it began.
As Christmas approached, we had been messaging one another back and forth with what started as a couple lines here and there - to paragraphs all through the day and night. I remember trying to tell myself to rest and resist messaging back, for fear the fatigue would get worse, but even my own self-protests couldn’t hold back the connection that was uncovering itself between us. We talked about music, sending one another everything from soca to chutney to J Cole. We spoke about movies and would watch them independently and then proceed to discuss what we thought about them. We spoke about travel, sending each other pictures of the beautiful places we’d been in the world. We even spoke about our views of the world and where we felt we fit into it all. Then the juicier topics of past relationships and what we wanted in life. By then I had mentioned I was unwell, and was taking some time off to focus on my health and heal myself.
I remember watching Love Actually and passionately telling him why there is still hope for humanity because love exists – love that is as simple as loving your dog or your grandmother or a stranger in need at the airport – that as long as such love existed there will always be light, to overcome the darkness we face at this time in our world. His response to that quite deeply intense monologue, without hesitation, was to ask me if I’d like to go out with him for dinner, literally the day he arrived back home in Toronto for Christmas: December 22nd, 2014. That still makes me smile until this day.
By now, I liked him quite a lot, enjoying our conversations about basically everything and being quite amazed that someone like him actually existed. But of course, there was this doubt – was this for real? And what would happen when he realized the extent of what had been happening with my life because of my health? Despite these worries, I decided to go with the flow and agreed happily to meet him.
Our first date turned out to be on December 23rd, just two days before Christmas. Funny enough I’d never really been on a first date with someone I didn’t already know, so yes, I was that person googling what to do on a first date – eye contact suggestions and all. (Turns out neither had he, so it was safe to say there was a lot of good eye contact, seeing as we both read the same Top 10 Tips articles.) And although I was hoping to dodge the health issue that even I could barely comprehend, my Aunt and Uncle wisely suggested I tell him from the start, so we could begin with the truth. (Yes, I consulted them for all things romance in my life, or in other words, Ghada would extract the details from me with her insatiable curiosity, thankfully balanced by Mamoo’s one or two lines of guy wisdom - bringing us back from some crazy what-if tangent.) So, we rehearsed how I would tell him about what was now being called by the doctors as “post-viral fatigue,” which had no treatment or cure and could take "an unknown time to get better, and simply required rest and self care." Great, I remember thinking, he’ll probably be out the door before I’m finished that unbelievable sentence.
Date night arrived and thankfully he proposed to pick me up (much to my relief because my symptoms rendered me unable to drive) and even better, the famed Distillery District Christmas Market was closed (I was unable to walk for very long). I felt like a bunch of spare parts trying to somehow step way, way outside my comfort zone – to go on a first date – of all things - despite what I was going through. Looking back on this, I was a serious champ. But somehow, I felt something within me was driving me, telling me this was worth it, telling me somehow it was all going to be okay.
I remember the moment I got in the car with him, and he flashed me his charming smile as he drove out of our courtyard parking lot. There was a feeling that hit me so strongly. A strong knowingness in the feeling of his presence that filled the space between us. And I knew in that moment, this was going to be something special. Somehow, I just knew this was no random date and no random person. And with that I felt strangely at ease, going with him to Liberty Village and having our dinner at the first place we happened upon – The Brazen Head. (Aptly named, as it described both of us pretty well by this point).
The only way I can describe our first date is the word: magical. I remember the way my soulmate looked at me, his eyes sparkling, as we talked, and talked, and talked – sitting in that restaurant for over 4 hours, but for what felt like not enough time, even so. I remember his beautiful smile as he smiled at nothing in particular, but at just everything, as if he was just so amazed with me and wondering if he was in a dream. I was in a similar daze, which for once didn’t have to do with my fatigue - as I wondered where this guy had been all my life.
The most pivotal moment for me was when I casually refused wine because of “my health issue,” as rehearsed, but he didn’t bite the cue with alarm as I was expecting, so I pressed on telling him everything from the Epstein-Barr Virus until that moment and all the crazy uncertainty in between. I remember how he looked at me, with such concern and compassion that I began to wonder if I was telling the story right. And after I was done, he told me how sorry he was I had to go through all that, and he began to talk about how amazing I was handling it all. Essentially, he responded like all I told him was my favourite colour was blue, which he accepted graciously, and continued on with our engaging conversation - without skipping a beat. At that point, I really did wonder if I was dreaming. No alarm, no judgement, no awkwardness – just him, just my soulmate. And if you know him, you’ll know what I mean when I say that, as he is one of the most caring and compassionate people I know.
By the end of the night, our dear, confident my soulmate, who was literally taking all kinds of curve balls and hitting them out of the park, declared he was throwing the "rules book" out the window and as he handed me a pretty box of macarons, from Ladurée in New York (he remembered how much I loved them from my time living in France) he told me he really liked me and although he lived in the States he was willing to drive up often to see me, to make it work somehow, even though we were long distance.
By now if you know anything about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (which I did not yet know I had) and its cognitive symptoms, you can imagine my head was now spinning from such shocking propositions from a guy that was actually going beyond feigning some interest for me and doing the half ignoring texting routine after the first date so as not to look “too interested.” I was amazed at this genuinely honest guy who just declared to me he liked me, without worrying what the Guy 101 handbook (or the rest of the world) had to say about it. It was certainly a lot to take in as I sat in the car ride home trying to make sense of it all. I knew deep down this was amazing, but he had actually sent my mind for a spin in disbelief land, especially after me telling him about how unwell I was. I was floored, to say the least.
Thankfully I had some very good support who reassured me it was all okay, and to just give him a chance. When I was breathing again, I couldn’t stop smiling at how amazing it all was, a Christmas Miracle I said…
I think it is safe to say, from that moment on, my soulmate has never failed to surprise me in the sheer strength of his love and dedication, against all kinds of impossible odds.
Our second date on December 26th lasted all of 15 minutes with me so dizzy and unwell all of a sudden that I couldn’t even stand up. I was wishing I could crawl into a hole because I couldn’t believe this was happening to me in front of him, when I had just met him! But it was him who was reassuring me, telling me it was okay. When I had to ask him to leave because I felt so unwell, he kept saying yes, and I look forward to seeing you again another time.
That night I was rushed by ambulance to the hospital as my symptoms had intensified so greatly into what is called a “crash” and I couldn’t even walk down the hallway or speak. When I woke the next day, and realized I probably wouldn’t be able to see him again, or even talk on the phone, I texted him a long message thanking him for his time with me but unfortunately, I was very unwell and couldn’t really engage with him.
And to that he replied – I don’t need anything from you. All I want is to be here for you.
And be here for me is what he has done.
From the times he would drive 10 hours through the snow, back and forth from New Jersey to visit me for the weekends, to the times he’d fly to Toronto every weekend, when my condition was most severe, to sit next to me silently for 15 minutes and leave because that’s all I could handle. To the times I couldn’t even speak to him on the phone or text, and he’d simply message the words, I love you.
To the time I got my diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome a few months after meeting him, which had no cure or treatment and could range in severity from being bedridden for decades to unable to work and everything in between, with no timelines or predictions of when or how it would get better, and he responded to me telling him this by saying - okay, here’s how we will get through this.
To the Valentine’s Dinners where he would bring in Federick’s take-out to my home and dress in a suit just so I could wear my fancy red dress and feel special for our date, even though I couldn’t leave the house.
All of this he did. Even when I was really scared of commitment and what was happening to me, and just wanted to run. Even then, he flew here and told me that he expected nothing from me, and if at any moment along the way I felt I didn’t want to be with him anymore, he’d accept that. He asked me if I’d just be with him in the now, in this moment, and take it one step at a time as we navigated it all together.
His smiles, his good morning and good night texts, his undying perseverance from his beautiful love is what I will always remember. He was my light in the darkness. He held on to me as I fought to hold on to myself – and he never let go. Not once. And it has made all the difference in my life.
My soulmate told me he loved me a month after our first date, and I spoke from my heart the day I told him I loved him too. But knowing where we stand today, three years later from that magical Christmas of 2014, and all we have been through in the process together, I can say I truly know what it is to love. I realize how much courage it takes to truly allow someone into your inner world and to allow their love for you, and your love for them, to heal and transform you. It’s not always rainbows and sunshine as you go through all the challenges that come your way, but love is what overcomes it all.
I have seen that, and I have lived it. I have seen how our love has conquered CFS, and all other obstacles that rose before us in the process. I have seen how I was able to support him and be there for him, despite the limitations of my illness, when he faced a period of the greatest challenges he had ever faced in life thus far. The power of my love giving me the strength to do so. I have seen miracles…miracles that have shown us there is so much more to life that only the true love we all are can bring. And I feel so blessed to have gotten the chance to live this with him.
Thank you, my soulmate, for never giving up on me, for never giving up on love. For walking into my life at such a difficult time and loving and accepting me unconditionally. You have taught me the power of love. Showed me there is nothing it can not conquer. And for all it does to cause us to look deep within our own beings to heal and transform ourselves into all we can be and to feel all the emotions, pain and uncertainty it brings to love so deeply – it is worth it. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I choose love. Again, and again, each and every single day, I choose love.
I learned, Love is the path. And the path is Love.
Love for ourselves.
Love for one another.
Love for the world.
Love for all there is.
I learned, Love is all there is.
I leave you with this passage from The Prophet, by Khalil Gibran,
“When Love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
Though the sword hidden among his pinons may wound you.
And when he speaks to you, believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north winds lay waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you, so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth, so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.”
and finally from Sanjay Leela Bhansali's Bajirao Mastani,
"They stand testament to eternal love...
Love that knows no religion.
Love that is a gift from God.
Love that in itself is Supreme."
I love you, always.
Thanks for listening. Talk again soon,
SDS
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