My Mother & I
Updated: May 5
This is probably one of the hardest of my learnings to express in words, because even words fall short to describe some of the greatest truths that our hearts have to share with us. These truths exist somewhere beyond the scope of the mind and its words, constructs and interpretations – hence why it has taken me quite some time to put all the words I could possibly use to that which, in truth, cannot be described by words. So here it is from my heart to your heart, through these carefully selected words I have chosen. Through these words, if you so choose, I’m sure your heart will take you to this place I speak of beyond the mind, where there exists love, and only love. It is there I shall meet you with this story, the story of my Mother and I.
They say there is nothing more powerful than a Mother’s Love. I am very blessed to have witnessed the truth of this statement. My Mother’s Love saved me. Through this entire journey that has been my life with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (and even long before that), lasting four years now in this month of April 2018, my Mother has been by my side every step of the way.
In the hospital when it began, I had to sleep in the hallway of the Emergency Department and was terrified with this unknown illness the doctors couldn’t figure out. I was so scared, weak, exhausted and in so much pain, and she slept beside me throughout the nights, upright on a hard chair at the foot of my bed in the hallway, protecting me with all her might from forces beyond either of our comprehension. When I was in emergency, yet again, and the nurses were kicking all the patients' relatives out, she kept coming back anyway, taking on all the nurses in the way, to check that I was ok, as I sat there in a daze only able to tell myself, I am ok, I am still breathing - so I am ok. And as I looked up and saw her darting past the nurses, I knew nothing could touch me, because my Mom was there. There she is - so I am ok.
As my illness continued for months and then years and we had to visit all the doctors and alternative care professionals to desperately seek help when no answers were being given, she took me everywhere I needed to go, whether it was holding my hand, pushing me in a wheelchair or riding with me in an ambulance – she was there.
When I couldn’t take care of myself anymore, she stayed home from work and cared for me, making all my meals: the best oatmeal ever for breakfast, wraps for lunch and her own specialities for dinner. She would bend over the tub and wash my hair for me, even though it hurt her back, and make me warm Epsom salt baths to comfort me when I had no energy for anything else. She would rub my head softly when I had severe migraines that lasted weeks in the dark room I was unable to leave and gave me massages to help soothe my body in its bedridden state.
When I could no longer sing my prayers each day, she would sing to me whenever I had enough energy to be able to listen. When I would have nightmares, day and night for months she would light a candle and burn lavender essential oils to help me feel safe when I woke and felt the reality I was facing was even scarier than the nightmares. She would lay down next to me in my bed or hers and hug me as I fell asleep again. She would stay home with me so I wouldn't be left alone, and even shared a room with me for an entire year just so I would feel protected as I fought this battle that she couldn’t win for me.
The day I looked at her with such desperation in the midst of being bedridden and with no energy to stay awake for more than a couple hours, and she didn’t know what else to do, she took me to my grandparents home in hopes the new environment would help, and when I wanted to stay, she packed up all her things and sold her home of 10 years, without looking back, to follow me. All this, never complaining, only showing her powerful love despite both her fears and mine.
My Mother fought the world for me, as she fought to help me fight this devastating battle with CFS. When the doctors, nurses and alternative care specialists had no answers to our relentless pursuit to receive help – she was there. When the insurance company fought us and denied my rightful claim to my disability income benefits – she was there. When I couldn’t fight them anymore because it was deteriorating my health – she fought for me. She fought them until the very end – despite their unethical unwillingness to pay their claims, and the harassment they put both her and I through, on top of the battle with my health we were already facing. When I had no financial support – she gave it to me, selflessly with all her heart.
When the world walked out on me - she stayed. When others doubted my illness, doubted me, even blamed me for what she and I were going through, she never waivered in the face of them all. She protected and defended me, trying again, and again, and again, to help others see, standing her ground in her belief in me, and her belief in herself, as they all walked away. When she had no answers, when all was dark, when she was most afraid – her faith in me never shook. She stood in the power of her love and her truth and she never walked away, never left my side as I fought the greatest battle I had ever fought that had brought me to my knees. She never left, when I needed that love and support the most.
When others couldn’t understand – she understood.
When others couldn’t accept – she accepted.
When others couldn’t love – she loved.
All with the power of her unconditional love and compassion.
When I was scared, she gave me the strength, wisdom and courage to keep fighting. When we faced complete darkness, my Mother told me everything would be ok, and so I knew it would be.
My Mother fought with me in the dark – and that is something I will never forget and have more gratitude for than words can say. As I began to improve and heal by following my own inner guidance each day, it is her who still continues to be here through it all. Through every up and every down and every upside down and backwards, and all the impossibilities that we face and overcome each day. Accepting and loving me as I am, for who I am, each and every single day on this journey, fully and completely with all her heart.
People wonder how I fight this battle each day, how I have made it so far.
I will say this – I would not have been able to make it without the love of my Mother.
She has shown me the true meaning of unconditional love.
She has shown me, just because we don’t understand, it doesn’t mean we can’t accept one another with love and compassion.
That love is the most powerful weapon there is.
That compassion is strength beyond what this world can ever imagine.
That we all have this ability, if we so choose, to love unconditionally and save someone’s life.
It is within us all, this powerful love of my Mother.
I always say my Mom is a Goddess. I prayed every day to the Goddess to see me through this experience that tested every fibre in my being, and I know She sent my Mother to me, so She could be with me in physical form to protect me and to love me, and ensure I make it through.
And I did.
Over the course of my journey, I learned that same Divine Power, that same Goddess, is within me too, as She is within us all in whatever form we may choose, and She gives me the strength to keep fighting everyday as I do on this journey I am on, learning, evolving and growing each day with the power and grace of Her unconditional love.
But I’ll never forget, it was when I was most afraid, and hadn’t yet found that strong connection to the Goddess within me, it was you Mom, who reminded me with your love, she is there with me always. There can be no greater devotion to Her than that – your unconditional love. And I am forever grateful for the unconditional love you have given me, and continue to give me.
I thank you Mom,
it saved me.
Thanks for listening. Talk again soon,