There was a room. This is what I remember most about us at that time.
Perhaps I know now why you struggle to accept what I experience. Why you resist it with every fibre in your being. Because we have been here before. A time long ago, where you were a King with a beautiful castle, and a beautiful Queen, who one day, for reasons I can’t quite remember, whether due to accident or illness, became unable to move around. She was confined all day, and all night to this room in her favourite tower of the castle, the one I’m sure you do remember.
She worried her King would never be able to accept her. What kind of Queen was locked away in her tower? Away from the world, unable to raise their children, or walk by his side to greet their people? A puppet Queen she felt like, unable to do her duties to him or their people. No, she could never be enough for him… She felt she was broken, and not much of a Queen at all.
Yet this was the exact opposite the King felt… as he watched his Queen in her sadness and despair in her locked away tower. He never wanted anything from her, despite her fears and feelings of unworthiness of him, because of a physical ailment she could not control - if anything, it made him love her even more. All he ever wanted was to see that smile of hers once more… To let her know, she was enough, just as she was. Because he loved her, and he could never see her as anything but perfect in his eyes. How to show her…he wanted to know…
There was a room.
I remember…
I saw it in my dreams, so beautiful you made it for me.
There were high ceilings… made of smooth grey stones… all carefully placed together forming the tall walls. There was a tall, glass window to the East, where I could watch the sun rise…and a tall window to the West, directly opposite, where I’d witness the most beautiful sunsets from such a great height… Your greatest gift to me. Those oranges and yellows and pinks that would cover the sky. There were thick woven rugs covering the grey stoned floor - reds, golds, oranges… all warm and aglow. Tapestries on the walls of beautiful maidens with flowers telling tales and singing songs… Majestic deers and boars, gleefully eluding the bands of men pursuing them on the hunt... Bards and magical tales woven into these very same rugs. There was a window facing the South…I needed only to look straight to see the garden that lay stretched out beyond. The one you made for me with my favourite flowers… the arrangements of roses and ones I can’t even recall the names of. All lush with vibrant colours and hues decorating my view. Beautiful greenery of landscaping and a maze that ran through it all with a water fountain like the crown jewel of it all at the centre. You’d open this window for me, so I could smell the flowers and hear the bird’s call in the gardens made of our love.
There was a wooden bed. I remember this most. The softest mattress with delicate, heavenly sheets and fluffy pillows. A comforter that felt like feathers resting on me. Tall ornately carved posts of dark cherry wood, and fabrics of pinks and lavenders draped across the top that would blow in the winds of the moonlight song, spilling across their veils, revealing a splendour to the room that became magical at night. A carved chest at the edge of the bed, with golden engraving and carvings of flowers, encasing the magic of the soft fabrics of my gowns held inside.
And then there was you. You at the foot of my bed. Every day. Every moment you had to visit me. I once thought I was a burden to you, taking you away from your duties to see your broken Queen, the wife you felt obligated to come see. But I realize now, I was the highlight of your day - Us, in this room you built for me. I know now, because I remember that smile you’d give me. The one that lit up your entire face when you’d lay your eyes upon me. The sweetest smile, with your eyes sparkling as you entered this room of treasures, but had eyes for nothing but me. It didn’t matter what I wore, if I looked well that day, or not, if I was pale with dark circles around my eyes, or if I had been crying with my face all puffy and red… you took me in with that smile, seeing past all those illusions, straight to the truth of me, loving me all the same. It didn’t matter what my hair looked like, or what dress I wore. It was me. And it was you. And your smile was the sunshine that lit up each of my days. And I realize now that was all you ever needed. That my presence in your life was always more than enough for you, regardless of the condition I was in. But you were always afraid, given all I was experiencing, that it wasn’t enough for me. That you could never be enough for me.
You built me a room of dreams with sunrises, sunsets, gardens and moonlight on draped canopy billowing in the night breeze. Wanting to give me the world from my tower; if I could not go to it - you would bring it to me. All the things I loved in this world most, you created for me. You were afraid to lose me, that I wouldn’t want to live in a world where I could not speak, could not walk, could not fulfill what were once my dreams. But you didn’t know that I didn’t need any convincing because as long as you lived and breathed in this world – it was all I ever needed.
You were the sun, the moon and the stars for me, and although you built me a room of magic to bring the world to me and fulfill all my dreams - you never realized I already had it all,
standing in you,
right in front of me.
You and me in this room of dreams – the only place I ever wanted to be.
Because it is where I loved you, and you loved me.
My dear King, I love you. Always.
- Your Queen
With my love always,
SDS
